THE FEMALE IS DEADLIER THAN THE MALE
by maverickiceman
Summary: Harry,Ron and some of the other men and boys find that the female of the species IS deadlier than the male.UPDATE: COMPLETE!
1. OUT OF HOUSE AND HOME

_**A/N:**__ This story came around because I was wondering what if Mrs. Weasley wasn't the only one with an intimidating temper. The story takes place between the end of DH & the epilogue, the kids aren't born yet, but Ron, Hermione, Harry and Ginny are married._

_Disclaimer:__ I don't own HP, unfortunately._

_The female is deadlier than the male._

_Ottery St. Catchpole, late one night:_

The Boy (Man now) Who Lived cursed Ron Weasley under his breath; it was Ron's fault, after all, that he was currently fleeing from the Burrow as if his life depended on it. His life definitely did, if Hermione, or worse, Ginny caught him now he would rue the day he taught them jinxes when they were in the DA.

"You think we got away from them?" panted his fellow fugitive.

" Well, judging from the fact I can't feel spells flying past my head or hear any more curses, I' d say we're safe for now. Where did Ginny learn such language, Ron?" asked Harry.

"Charlie taught her some Romanian, it wasn't the kind mom would approve of. Hermione picked some up from her and I think some of what she said was Gaelic." replied Ron.

"That's what you get for going to Scotland for your honeymoon. Now, where do we go from here? You know how Hermione is she won't stop until she's killed us ….or worse."

"Don't worry I think I got just the right place for us. Let's go visit George." said Ron before Disapparating.

"George!! Ron I think you finally … Oh to hell with it. " said Harry realizing his friend hadn't waited for him and following his lead.

_93, Diagon Alley, 5 minutes later:_

Two figures suddenly appeared in the middle of the street before running for cover from the driving rain. One banged on the door of a brightly colored shop, whose sign said Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes. "Open up George, it's us Ron and Harry!!" yelled the red headed figure. The door burst open after a few minutes and the duo was yanked in.

" Why the hell are you yelling out in the middle of the street at this time of night? I've already got two warnings for 'disturbing the peace' as it is." said Ron's elder brother, George as he closed the door and lead them to the back of the shop.

" Sorry George, but we need to use your 'special service'." said Ron following him.

" Oh really, got into trouble already eh?" said his brother walking towards the 'Muggle Magic Tricks' section and tapping one of the display stands.

" Could someone please tell me what's going on?" said Harry as he followed the two Weasleys down the set of stairs that were revealed itself as the display stand slid forward a foot.

" Harry, welcome to the Weasley's Hideout for Harried Husbands." said George indicating the room they had reached. The room was huge and contained two rows of beds as well as everything a wizard could ever want, stacks of Daily Prophets, Which Broomstick, even a copy or two of the Quibbler, a transistor to listen to, plenty of butterbeer and of course a stand of Weasley merchandise. "I got the idea from hearing how Neville hid in the Room of Requirement in his final year. This place is Unplottable the whole she-bang. Now, normally I'd charge you two Sickles a piece per night, but you're family so I'll charge you half price."

"Gee, thanks. Bill what are you doing here?" asked Ron, addressing the only other occupant of the room.

"Same as you I expect." replied the eldest Weasley brother." Care to explain how you two got banished?"

"It's all his fault." replied Harry indicating Ron, ignoring the hurt look he got in return.

**Begin flashback**

Harry sighed as he walked up the path to the Burrow. He had taken a longer route to reach home today, he had had to or else he would have been mobbed by reporters as he left work. Even years after The Great War ended they still couldn't get enough of him, wanting a comment on everything from the Chudley Cannons' chances this year to the weather. Being Co-head of the Aurors (he had insisted Ron and Hermione be made Heads too) was bad enough as, it was what with cleaning up the last remnants of the Dark Army Voldemort had brought with him.

He opened the door of the Burrow and walked in, he and Ginny, along with Ron and Hermione were staying at the Weasley's home until their own houses at Godric's Hollow were completed. (The four of them had decided on Godric's Hollow since it was where Harry's parents were buried as were the rest of the Potters and they had felt it would only be right for Harry to be near his family, though the Weasley's _were_ like family to Harry.)

He grimaced as he heard raised voices issue from the kitchen.

"NO!! A thousand times no! You are not I repeat _not_ going to put curtains and carpets of that _color_ in our house!" said Ron's voice.

"How about a few pieces of furniture then?" asked Hermione.

"NO!!"

"Why not?"

"It brings back bad memories that's why!"

Harry sniggered at that, he had glimpsed the color sample Hermione had in her hand. It was the same shade of maroon as the dress robe that Ron had worn to the Yule Ball in their fourth year( Ron still insisted it wasn't so much a dress robe but a dress). That certainly wasn't something Ron wanted to remember.

"Harry, could you _please_ talk some sense into the nitwit over there." said Ginny, who was leaning on the chair Hermione was sitting on, throwing a glare towards Ron.

"I wonder if all the Weasley women just instinctively learn that glare." thought Harry as he glanced at Ron, who was now backing out of the room slowly under the combined glares of his wife and sister, both of whom reminded Harry strongly of Mrs. Weasley (who had gone to visit Great Aunt Muriel).

"Nitwit!! Who wanted that blood red mantelpiece, hmm?" demanded Ron hotly.

"It went with my hair!!" Ginny shot back.

"Actually, I have to agree with Ron there, that mantelpiece _was _a bit lurid." said Harry.

**End flashback**

"And it went all down-hill from there, next thing I know I'm being chased out of the house with Jelly Legs jinxes and Full Body Binds missing me by an inch." concluded Harry with a sigh.

"There isn't a book in the world that can help you out when you got two angry witches after you." added Ron. "What about you, Bill?"

"It was a dress, and all I can say is I'm glad Fleur and Vicki are only part Veela or I might have got a few more scars."

"Well I'll leave you cheery gentleman, it's late. Goodnight." said George.

"G'night." said the other three heading to bed.

_Ottery St Catchpole, 15 days later :_

Harry rested his head on the table, he was glad to be back. It had taken two weeks of 'negotiations' by Mr. and Mrs. Weasley representing the two sides (Mr. Weasley almost joined Harry and Ron at Diagon Alley) before Harry and Ron could enter the Burrow without the Weasley clock showing them to be in Mortal Peril(Mrs. Weasley had added hands for Harry and Hermione after the trio's adventures searching for Horcruxes, just in case).

"YOU DID WHAT?!!" said a loud voice.

" I THOUGHT YOU'LD LIKE IT!!"

"Here we go again.." thought Harry" maybe I ought to talk to George about Lifetime Memberships."

THE END?

_**A/N:**_ Can anyone guess which book Ron's referring to?


	2. BETWEEN A ROCK AND A HARD PLACE

_**A/N:**_ This story's been floating around in my head for some time now. Its Al's turn to find out that the female is deadlier than the male. He and Rose are third years; James is a fourth year (_duh!!_).

_**Disclaimer:**_ Ditto the first chapter.

Between a rock and a hard place

Someone up_ there_ had it in for him.

That was the only explanation Al could think of, for his current run of bad luck.

"Why,_ why_ did I let James talk me into it, in the first place?" he wondered out loud.

It had started out so well, Rose, James and he had convinced their parents that they needed to experience Christmas at Hogwarts at least once. ( It had taken Rose pulling out all the stops and using every trick in her Pepperpot arsenal ,as James called it, to get Uncle Ron to agree. Dad and the others were easier, all they had to do was remind them of the fun they had at Hogwarts when _they _stayed for Christmas.)

Then James had the _brilliant _idea of pulling a prank on Rose and the other Gryffindor girls who were staying for Christmas. It involved them sneaking out at night under the Invisibility Cloak, which Harry had lent to Al, much to James' disgust ("You get into enough trouble as it is."), and charming some water balloons to float over the girls entrance and soak anyone who came through it. They did this from the foot of the stairs leading up to the girl's entrance; Uncle Ron had told them what happened last time _he_ had tried to climb those stairs. They would've gotten away with it if Peeves hadn't floated in and blown the whistle on them.

Thank God, the term had ended so they couldn't be fined House points, instead they had to help Hagrid with the Christmas decorations, which wasn't much of a punishment, considering how much fun it had been.

The Howlers he got from Mum and Aunt Hermione, were much less fun though.( Uncle George sent them a letter congratulating them and wondering why he had never come up with that idea, himself.)

He had then found out for himself, that you never, _never_ anger a female Weasley( unless you have a death wish). He had been dodging hexes, jinxes, pranks and sneak attacks that would put his Uncles Fred and George to shame, for the past three days. That was why he was now hiding in the last place Rose would think of. Dad, Uncle Ron and Aunt Hermione had used it in their second year, but never since, in fact Uncle Ron had told him to use it only as a last resort.(He didn't understand why but he thought this qualified.)

Suddenly, a ghost of a girl burst up from one of the toilets.

"Who are you?" she demanded "Wait you must be Harry Potter's son, you look just like him. I've heard of you, though I bet you haven't heard of me."

"Actually-" said Al.

"I knew it!! He forgot about me, just like all the rest!! Well since he hasn't told you about me I will!!' said the ghost starting to sob.

Half an hour later, Al burst out of the bathroom, gulping in fresh air like he couldn't get enough of it. "Now I know what Uncle Ron meant." he thought as he strode purposefully away trying to put as much distance as he could between him and the toilet.

"There you are!" said a voice.

"Aw!! C'mon Rose, it wasn't my idea!! Besides you didn't get splashed did you?" yelled Al ducking round a corner to avoid a jinx coming his way.

Someone up there really, _really_ had it in for him.

The End-for now.

_**A/N:**_ The pepperpot idea came from Mists' fic 'Ministry Misadventures.' Sorry Mists!!


	3. HIDE AND SEEK

_**A/N:**_ This is the third fic in the 'The Female Is Deadlier Than The Male' series. It answers a question Neo Princess Rini asked, i.e. how did the 'Weasley's Hideout For Harried Husbands' come to be. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: As usual I don't own anything, except the ideas in my over imaginative brain.

Hide And Seek

Valentine's Day, those are two of the words most dreaded by any man (the others being 'I Do' and 'Take out the trash', among others). Why you ask? Two reasons:

A) The guy forgets about it, and as a result never hears the end of it.

B) He picks out a gift, or plans a gesture worthy of Casanova himself, only to have it turn around and bite him in the behind.

Now option B might seem the less painful, right? At least, it doesn't last as long as option A. However if your girlfriend happens to be a witch, option A is definitely preferable. Take the following tale as an example:

Diagon Alley was quite brightly decorated, even by its standards, in celebration of Valentine's Day. The Post Office had banners advertising their 'Cupid Valentine Delivery Service' strung up everywhere (many of the shops had a constant flow of the winged little men delivering messages to their customers). Flourish and Blotts were doing a roaring business in books like 'Twelve Ways To Charm A Witch'. Florean Fortescue was busy selling free ice-cream to every couple he met. Even the Daily Prophet had gotten into the spirit of things, offering a raffle draw with the grand prize being a trip for two to Venice, complete with a private performance by the _real_ Phantom of the Opera.

In fact, the only shop not doing any business that day, (it wasn't even _open_) was Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes. This was quite surprising considering that their range of love potions was one of their hottest items, and they would have definitely made a pretty penny from them today. However, the reason for this apparent lack of business sense was not too hard to find.

Two men hid behind the rows of display stands in the darkened store, judging by the furtive glances they would occasionally throw towards the door of the store, they expected the end of the world as they knew it to come charging through that very door.

"How did _I_ end up in this mess?" asked a dark skinned dreadlocked wizard.

"It was _your_ idea to go on a double date for Valentine's." retorted his red haired companion. "So it's only fair you share the blame."

"But I wasn't the one who got tickets for the Hollyhead Harpies-Chudley Cannons match from my younger brother, who happens to be a die-hard _Cannons_ fan, to impress my girlfriend, who just so happens to be an equally avid fan of the _Harpies_, now am I ?" replied Lee Jordan.

"Oh shut up, it's not like you don't get a little mixed up after a couple of Firewhiskeys. How was I to know the tickets were for the Cannon's VIP seats, hmm? Come to think of it, I remember Ron _was _grinning a bit too much after that bit of business. Note to self: wring Ron's neck after this." muttered George Weasley.

"_If_ you survive this, Angelina seemed about ready to commit murder, she's even got Alicia all wound up." said Lee, referring to his own normally even-tempered girlfriend, Alicia Spinnet.

"Don't remind me." groaned George, reliving Angelina Johnson's reaction to the tickets for the umpteenth time. "Do you think Tom will let us back into the Cauldron anytime soon?"

"I don't know, quite a lot of things were broken before we managed to get out of- Quick!! Duck!!" hissed Lee, urgently.

Both men ducked and made their way deeper into the store, as two familiar figures appeared outside the window of the shop.

"Come on, George!! I know you're in there, come out and I won't hurt you….much." Angelina could be heard to say.

"I wish there was somewhere I could hide." thought George as he hunkered down behind the Muggle Tricks stand with Lee.

"Guess we'll have to go in and drag them out here." Angelina told Alicia, after a few minutes had passed without the appearance of George and Lee.

15 minutes later, "I could have sworn they were in there!!" said a puzzled (and still angry) Angelina, shutting the door as she left the shop.

A few minutes later, one of the stands slid forward to reveal a hidden room from which emerged George Weasley and Lee Jordan.

"Man, that's some room you got there, George!" said Lee.

"And to think I didn't know about it. It must be like the room we used for the DA meetings, remember Lee?"

"Yeah, wasn't that Unplottable and able to give you anything you wanted short of food?"

"Uh-huh, this room gives me an awfully good idea.." George trailed off with a slight grin on his face.

"Really?" said Lee returning the grin.

The End-Until Next Time.

_**A/N:**_I know Fred asked Angelina to the Yule ball in 'Goblet….' But for the sake of the fic I'm treating it as if Angelina thought it was George and their 'ship started from there. (The mix up _can_ happen) Also Angelina struck me as a bit of a female Wood in 'Order…' so I played around a bit with that. (Can't you just see Wood getting riled up about the wrong tickets to a match?). Note I've no personally bad experiences on Valentine's Day.( I don't have any _good _ones either, try no experience with girlfriends or Valentines , .)So, sorry if I cast Valentine's in a bad light. I _do _hope you have a happy Valentine's.


	4. TWO'S COMPANY, THREE'S A CROWDSO WH

A/N: This chapter is dedicated to my cousin

_**A/N:**_This chapter is dedicated to my cousin. Happy B'day Sis!! Also this is the last chapter, since with it I will have completed my personal goal of featuring all the Weasley men in this series. Thanks to all those who have read this series, especially those who reviewed. Enjoy!

P.S: I'm working on a fic regarding the summer after the Epilogue in DH. Rest assured that there will be plenty of mayhem!

**Disclaimer:** I own absolutely nothing (which absolutely sucks!).

Two's Company Three's A Crowd….So What's Seven?

It was lunch time in Diagon Alley, George Weasley whistled merrily as he made his way towards the back of his shop. Just as he's about to stop before the Muggle Tricks stand, he heard his name being called from the street. Curious, he walked to the store entrance where, he noted with a little surprise, stood his Father and brother Charlie, both looking a bit singed.

"What happened to you two?" he asked. "Aren't you supposed to be helping with Mum's birthday party?"

"It's a bit complicated." Charlie said." Can we come in first? Tom at the Cauldron said Harry and the rest had come here so we thought we'd join you."

"Sure, right this way." George replied leading them to the afore mentioned stand and then down into the room it concealed.

The room itself was quite crowded as all the remainig men of the Weasley and Potter clans were present. Bill, Ron and Harry were seated at a table scratching at their faces which sported luxurious and full beards. Percy was seated at another table muttering about people not respecting rules anymore.

"Here you go you two, a table at the popular hangout "Weasley's Hangout for Harried Husbands". We also cater to boyfriends. I'm your server for today. What can I get you today?" quipped George.

"Cut the comedy. I'm not in the mood today." said Mr. Weasley tiredly.

George instantly became serious (well, as serious as he ever is), he asked them "What happened to you two? They," he said indicating the bearded trio, " messed up on their attempt to create mum's favorite type of fairy cake."

"We did not!!" retorted Ron." I still say James sabotaged it."

"Percy," continued George ignoring Ron's outburst. "was kicked out for being … well, Percy."

" I can't help it if I'm a perfectionist. And International Wizarding Laws clearly state that having a magical tent exceeding 15 feet in interior length poses a threat to the Secrecy Act of 1412, unless put up in specially prepared areas or on special occasions." said Percy.

"Wait till, Mum hears that you don't consider her birthday a special occasion." said Bill.

"I didn't say that !!" Percy blustered.

"That's not important." interrupted George." Our two companion's tale of woe, however is. Go ahead, tell us your sorry tale."

"Well, it started when Charlie had the _brilliant_ idea of enlarging Harry's Hungarian Horntail model. It was sheer pandemonium. All I can say was he didn't make it life size. What made you do it asnyway Charlie?" said Mr. Weasley.

"I thought it would be a nice touch…sort of a mascot." Charlie said rubbing his blackened face." They kicked Dad out too, just to be safe, they said."

"And you're supposed to be a dragon expert." snorted George. "Well I'm off to get us all drinks, you all look as if you'll need it. I'm sure I do, after hearing what you all have been up to." And off George went, thanking his stars, that Angelina was the one keeping Mrs. Weasley busy, and thus he had avoided being pressed into helping set up the party.


End file.
